Lamentations of a hypochondriac
A returning twinge in my back
And my mood swivels, just like that
Ahh! Veins beginning to swell,
With blood that’s hot as hell
Now my heart’s racing
At the deadly disease I’m facing
My chest feels like a chasm
And my muscles are starting to spasm
Take a breath, I’m not going insane
Oh fuck, there it is again
In the exact same location!
So I procrastinate, then abstain,
From thinking it’s a malignant pain
Shit! An even bigger palpitation!
It’s migrated up to my armpit!
What if it’s at an advanced stage!
And this is its latent rage?
I try to think of a way to get over it
But I end up watching Embarrassing Illnesses
This bloke’s skin is like the back of a toad,
Or am I having a psychotic episode?
Fixated, finally my stomach freezes
An aggressive full body itch
Is followed by a facial twitch
Then, my skin begins to quiver
Followed by a full body shiver
I search his symptoms on Wikipedia
Unsatisfied, I try another media
YouTube, Christ, millions of results
I’m as obsessed as members of cults
Having worked myself into a state,
I get a text from my mate;
‘Are you watching this?’
I know he’s taking the piss
And it’s a trap, but no text back
Will tell him I’m watching this crap
For months, this pathology can lie dormant
Only to return suddenly and torment
It makes me think of things I could’ve tried
If I wasn’t so preoccupied
With avoiding food that’s fried,
Or the ways my relatives died
Why the fascination with causes of death?
That it makes me short of breath?
They say that health is wealth
But my hypochondria acts by stealth
Once, I could feel my lip starting to dip
So I looked in the mirror, to be smug, vain
And my eyes started to strain
When I noticed something on my hip
At first, I hoped it was just a zit,
But now I’ve become obsessed with it
Daily, I study it under a spotlight
And fiddle with it at night
I’m convinced it’s growing eyes
Compound, like a fly’s
What if this cancer’s ravenous?
Or it becomes gangrenous?
I can’t go to the quack
In case he makes me go back
Yeah, these are the lamentations of a hypochondriac