Lamentations of a hypochondriac

A returning twinge in my back

And my mood swivels, just like that

Ahh! Veins beginning to swell,

With blood that’s hot as hell

Now my heart’s racing

At the deadly disease I’m facing

My chest feels like a chasm

And my muscles are starting to spasm

Take a breath, I’m not going insane

Oh fuck, there it is again

In the exact same location!

So I procrastinate, then abstain,

From thinking it’s a malignant pain

Shit! An even bigger palpitation!

It’s migrated up to my armpit!

What if it’s at an advanced stage!

And this is its latent rage?

I try to think of a way to get over it

But I end up watching Embarrassing Illnesses

This bloke’s skin is like the back of a toad,

Or am I having a psychotic episode?

Fixated, finally my stomach freezes

An aggressive full body itch

Is followed by a facial twitch

Then, my skin begins to quiver

Followed by a full body shiver

I search his symptoms on Wikipedia

Unsatisfied, I try another media

YouTube, Christ, millions of results

I’m as obsessed as members of cults

Having worked myself into a state,

I get a text from my mate;

‘Are you watching this?’

I know he’s taking the piss

And it’s a trap, but no text back

Will tell him I’m watching this crap

For months, this pathology can lie dormant

Only to return suddenly and torment

It makes me think of things I could’ve tried

If I wasn’t so preoccupied

With avoiding food that’s fried,

Or the ways my relatives died

Why the fascination with causes of death?

That it makes me short of breath?

They say that health is wealth

But my hypochondria acts by stealth

Once, I could feel my lip starting to dip

So I looked in the mirror, to be smug, vain

And my eyes started to strain

When I noticed something on my hip

At first, I hoped it was just a zit,

But now I’ve become obsessed with it

Daily, I study it under a spotlight

And fiddle with it at night

I’m convinced it’s growing eyes

Compound, like a fly’s

What if this cancer’s ravenous?

Or it becomes gangrenous?

I can’t go to the quack

In case he makes me go back

Yeah, these are the lamentations of a hypochondriac