Lamentations of a hypochondriac

Lamentations of a hypochondriac

A returning twinge in my back

And my mood swivels, just like that

Ahh! Veins beginning to swell,

With blood that’s hot as hell

Now my heart’s racing

At the deadly disease I’m facing

My chest feels like a chasm

And my muscles are starting to spasm

Take a breath, I’m not going insane

Oh fuck, there it is again

In the exact same location!

So I procrastinate, then abstain,

From thinking it’s a malignant pain

Shit! An even bigger palpitation!

It’s migrated up to my armpit!

What if it’s at an advanced stage!

And this is its latent rage?

I try to think of a way to get over it

But I end up watching Embarrassing Illnesses

This bloke’s skin is like the back of a toad,

Or am I having a psychotic episode?

Fixated, finally my stomach freezes

An aggressive full body itch

Is followed by a facial twitch

Then, my skin begins to quiver

Followed by a full body shiver

I search his symptoms on Wikipedia

Unsatisfied, I try another media

YouTube, Christ, millions of results

I’m as obsessed as members of cults

Having worked myself into a state,

I get a text from my mate;

‘Are you watching this?’

I know he’s taking the piss

And it’s a trap, but no text back

Will tell him I’m watching this crap

For months, this pathology can lie dormant

Only to return suddenly and torment

It makes me think of things I could’ve tried

If I wasn’t so preoccupied

With avoiding food that’s fried,

Or the ways my relatives died

Why the fascination with causes of death?

That it makes me short of breath?

They say that health is wealth

But my hypochondria acts by stealth

Once, I could feel my lip starting to dip

So I looked in the mirror, to be smug, vain

And my eyes started to strain

When I noticed something on my hip

At first, I hoped it was just a zit,

But now I’ve become obsessed with it

Daily, I study it under a spotlight

And fiddle with it at night

I’m convinced it’s growing eyes

Compound, like a fly’s

What if this cancer’s ravenous?

Or it becomes gangrenous?

I can’t go to the quack

In case he makes me go back

Yeah, these are the lamentations of a hypochondriac

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Song Of The Day – Once In Babylon by KWJAZ

From the album ‘KWJAZ’ (2011)

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We’ve lost the plot, haven’t we?

lecter mask

It’s a thought that I’ve been slowly coming around to for a while, and then the already tiresome, nauseating EU referendum intensified with tribal, polarised ‘debates’, a batshit crazy, cynical and malicious Orwellian photo-op and an American style political assassination.

Then there’s what happened after the vote. I mean where do you start? Well, I’m not even gonna bother with it. It’s inexplicable. A load of fucking nonsense.

I long assumed interest and engagement in this referendum would be minimal. Clearly I’m someone who’s ‘out of touch’, or has been made naïve by sticking firmly to my milieu of the few, where the most politicised a conversation tends to become is moaning about how shite your wages are or how your employer conducts business, or to pass comment on [insert your least favourite political figure here] ‘there that cunt on the telly again, they need to fuck off, right now’.

So I had a strain of the irreproachable arrogance Rolf Harris or Jimmy Saville utilised around young women and teenage girls in the seventies and eighties, or more relevantly many of the Remainers are now showing post Brexit. I believed that my perception of public mood and opinion was broadly accurate (and right) and mirrored my own feelings about the EU referendum. Surely the dogged cynicism that had positioned immigration as its core issue, when combined with a widespread lack of interest in the EU constitution (it’s understandable that people would have neither the time nor inclination to research this in depth), would turn many people off from engaging and voting? Now, in the aftermath, and having seen the actual effects of that combination and how many on both sides have reacted to it, I’m far more certain that many, too many of us, have indeed gone completely and utterly insane. It’s either that or we’re in complete denial about how we’re behaving. Pick one.

Central to this malaise is political engagement, or, to be more specific, the many forms of mass political engagement that now exist. Most aren’t healthy or helpful, or to be more succinct, assume a truly democratic spirit.

There’s a fundamental mis-understanding many now exhibit during political discourse, or just willingly ignore altogether – to change someone else’s mind you first have to attempt to understand why someone thinks differently from you, or, at the very least, consider what may have caused it, and figure out a way to explain the cause or causes to them without being a patronising cunt. That takes skill and a level of trust, and those aren’t earned easily. During this referendum there was precious little self-awareness displayed on social media or by the corporate media commentariat. It was a lousy succession of self-serving preachy opinion pieces, tweets and forum posts, many of them pointlessly seeking the validation of the like-minded. All they did was tell us what they thought of the other side, why they were right (see me, I can predict the future so I can) in a passive aggressive manner, or, worst of all, telling you what was best for you and how to think. This was accompanied by hostile barbs aimed at the contrarian viewpoint if anyone dared to offer it.

This is a new form of moral hedonism and intellectual dishonesty that sees petty point scoring, grandstanding, and pious absolutism masquerading as campaigning. It’s become so widespread that people are no longer inclined to listen unless the content ensures confirmation bias(es). If you went on the internet to state how you voted, or were intending to vote, and why, unless you’re doing this among your congregation (or on a blog nobody reads), you’re likely onto a loser. State you’re voting remain to Brexiters and you’d be branded a traitor who has been cowed by the establishment, or a subservient gimp who ‘liked being ruled from Brussels’. If a Remainer posted a graph showing you the economic benefits of EU membership it would often be followed by a snide dig that voting Leave meant you were blithely protesting against the Westminster establishment, or that you were just a xenophobe who believed in the cod historical romanticism of ‘how things used to be’, or worst of all beguiled by Nigel Farage’s highly divisive rhetoric.

I’ve know folks who voted Leave and whose vote wasn’t based upon a phantom immigration crisis now or in the future as depicted by a media agenda or a flimsy existential notion of what their true identity should look and feel like. Even though I disagree with their choice, I try to imagine being in their shoes, or even better someone who was leaning towards voting Leave during the past week, who went on the net to do some research. Consider not its content but its tone; would you be inclined to listen to it? Who, with any semblance of self-respect, would?

In defeat the losing side now tends to lash out. Some of the vocal Remain voters and commentators (some even call themselves ‘truthers’) have become even more insufferable and incandescent behind their keyboards. I resorted to this sanctimonious self-serving bollocks after the Scottish referendum when the No result came down, or after I got sacked recently, but what good did it do? I felt better for about five minutes after attacking those who’d wronged me, but that’s about it. Nothing changed, and it didn’t change anybody’s mind, because I made no attempt to.

None of this applies to those who actually canvass and speak to people, face to face, in a measured manner. They listen to their responses, then state their case while addressing the specific and personal concerns of the voter. It’s the only face of genuine democracy that remains. Speaking to someone in person, we tend to, in most cases, be civilised, where the detachment of other forms of communication can easily encourage us not to be. Sadly door to door canvasing and one to one engagement in person is hugely time consuming. Plus, why do this when you can sit on your arse, do a few posts on Facebook, fire off a series of tweets, or go trolling on a forum instead? A party/campaign will canvass as part of its efforts to reach voters, but in this climate there’s more scope, or reach if you prefer, in sending out leaflets full of lies or scaremongering in bold type face, or have the politicians and talking heads sticking to a script and appealing to existing biases they’ve fomented through years of repeating clichéd slogans.

So, I wonder if those who are so derided as politically apathetic, the dreaded non-voters or unthinking voters, aren’t the sensible ones in ignoring it all, and if not sensible then possibly far more content with life. They’re enjoying life, doing what they want, not worrying about what the consequences of the referendum result or an election will be ten years from now. Meanwhile the likes of me are trying and failing to blog about ‘what it all means, man’, many of the liberal minded are helping to build resentment by spending endless hours perusing their digital symposium of choice to bleat on about how thick, deluded and or racist the other lot are for not agreeing with them; while on the opposite end of the spectrum others seethe that their lot isn’t enough, blaming this on immigration rates, ‘them foreigners’ stealing ‘our’ jobs, housing and benefits cheats and perpetually thinking of ways to punish the causers of this social and cultural decay.

Blame, in a nutshell, was what the EU referendum, and its aftermath, became about. I could spend another thousand words trying to analyse how we got here, but I think I’ll work on my book instead.

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Song Of The Day – The End by The Doors

From the album ‘The Doors’ (1967)

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So, will less blogging mean it’s better?

Books header

I’ve realised something – blogging, like writing, should be spontaneous. Right now, I feel as though it isn’t, well, except this post, which is.

To explain, I’ve been re-reading some of the stuff that I’ve posted on here for the first time. That might sound strange, but there is a passable reason for this, as I re-read them numerous times during the process of writing and editing, the prospect of re-reading my work again shortly after posting it seems about as enticing as injecting Krokodil into my eyeballs.

Disclaimers aside, my verdict is – must do better, or, to perhaps be a tad more forgiving, because I’ve learned that being relentlessly hard on yourself does you no favours, it’s not as good as it should be. Can I improve? Yes, everyone can, even though I realise that with any artistic or creative medium, it cannot be perfected. Still, relative to my own circumstances, I feel as though some of these articles or pieces I’ve written read as forced, or even worse, pointless.

I’ve had this suspicion for a while, but the thing is, by consistently moving on to work on and post new content every week I haven’t dwelt on it or satiated the curiosity, until now. To have it confirmed is helpful as it’s reminded me of the primary motivations for starting this blog.

I started blogging for benign reasons; primarily as a mode of practicing writing, and by doing something where I could impose weekly deadlines I’d to get into the habit of writing regularly, to the point that it became habitual, perhaps compulsive. That latter reason seems daft, almost naïve, now, particularly as the experience of regimented blogging has become unsatisfying, and is unpractical, as it’s stopping me from working on my bloody book, when the aim was the complete opposite – to give me the confidence and impetuous to finish my book and make something worthwhile of the fucker. My better ideas for columns tend occur randomly, and when I tend not to be writing, that is to say, the ideas should instigate writing, not the other way around.

And, another thing, I’m becoming less and less interested in writing opinion pieces. Not because quality journalism is dying on its feet (it is), that journalese produces the worst prose (it does), or because people aren’t buying newspapers anymore (they aren’t, sniggers). It’s because, and I’m somewhat guilty of this, if not to this extreme, its style, tone and content tends to gravitate towards modes of conformity or cliquish beliefs. It’s a fine line, granted, but more often than not, the opinion piece encourages you to write something that will secure confirmation bias, allow you to preach to your likeminded brethren, or to spitefully, disparagingly rubbish and mock those who don’t agree with you, instead of offering something that entices people to think differently. Plus, I’m not sure I’m a good enough writer, particularly in this context, to be on the right side of that equation as much as I’d like to be.

To surmise, I’m not abandoning blogging, I’m too proud of most of what I’ve posted on it, but for its benefit and mine I won’t be doing as many posts from now on, and, more importantly, I won’t be working to a schedule. Ultimately my hope, not goal, is that by not pressurising myself as I’ve been doing that I’ll produce more work than I expect, and that it’ll be of a better quality. It would be great if I could find a better equilibrium between blogging and writing. It’s an interesting, interesting, Lemon interesting experiment worth trying, and perhaps, just perhaps, it’ll help me get my bloody book finished.

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