I fucked up. I use YouTube for music browsing, but on the odd occasion other “culture” videos recommended by the algorithm pique my interest. This time it was one of Limmy playing Dark Souls III. I shouldn’t have watched it. Seeing Mr Limond go from anguish to ecstasy in short order, as Dark Souls III typically does, gave me the irresistible urge to play it again. It also made me realise that the game I was playing, Judgement, isn’t a patch on Dark Souls III, because it wasn’t designed to truly challenge you.

Think of that record you can’t stop spinning, or movies that reel you in instantly when channel surfing (remember when that used to be a thing?), say Grosse Point Blank, The Shawshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction for instance. Dark Souls III similarly captures you with a vice grip. Forget Pringles, this is crack cocaine – once you start, you can’t stop. And I’m finding the relapse has only strengthened the addiction. This time I want all the lore, collectables and to trigger all the boss fights possible. The first time I couldn’t sleep after getting my hands on the Ringed Knight Paired Greatswords, now I’m jonesing to just get my hands on them. Why haven’t I learned to use homeward bone when I’m low on HP? Leaving an area unfinished at 1:30 am (because you have work the next day) irks you more than it should, and that cunting boss you’ve failed to defeat in ten attempts persistently occupies your thoughts: you dream about strategy (I’m prepared to be judged, harshly), when taking a shit, doing your ASDA shop or during a meeting at work. Not to mention it piques your PTSD and paranoia. Ever walked around the house at night with the lights off? Surely you have. During a Dark Souls III playthrough you start to feel the inevitability of something lurking out of sight or behind a corner waiting to garotte you as the game is full of sneak attacks.

The Ringed City DLC has been added since I first played, which is an additional enticement. That and I didn’t explore the online element the first time around. Back in 2016 there was too much faffing around with slow matchmaking and, of course, disgusting amounts of lag. The prospect of using the Cracked Red Eye Orb and invading another player’s world, providing you could even manage it, seemed cruel given the game’s hard enough. Plus, going up against someone on level 99 with all attributes maxed out and getting demolished, only to never have another crack at them, still has a limited appeal. Particularly as I always imagine it to be some slovenly obese incel trainee software developer half my age, living in their parent’s basement, handing me my arse.

It’s also brought daft social insecurities to the fore. Should a man in his early forties still indulge in fantasy RPG games? I passed Warhammer in town the other day and noticed men my age loitering in the shop, a sudden wave of embarrassment descended that I could be one of their tribe and so I sped up my stride. Is Dark Souls III that far removed from painting figurines or discussing Magic: The Gathering on a sub reddit? My bias says yes, it is. Sporadically playing Dark Souls III is in itself not a fandom and I’m gaming in private; nobody can see me. And because nobody reads this blog, I can plausibly deny it.

While I can’t deny Souls’ epic gameplay, aspects of this remaster have been disappointing and the game is showing its age. The frame rate is locked at 60 fps. I’m rocking a 4070ti these days and the fans on the card don’t even turn on while playing the game. 60 fps I can live with, but the screen tearing on my 2k 144hz monitor was disgraceful, but was fine at 4k with G Sync disabled. The fight mechanics feel somewhat clunky compared to From Software’s Soul’s derivatives Sekiro and Elden Ring*.

*I’d love to include Bloodborne but it hasn’t received a PC release yet. Look, ranting is often boring and ineffectual, but let it be said, many of us PC gamers will never buy a gaming console. Compared to gaming on a high-end PC it’s simply an inferior product and experience. We’ll happily miss out on a few games rather than capitulate as most of the riff-raff do. Sorry to be snobby and fash about this, but console gamers aren’t hardcore gamers, they’re casual gamers like the FIFA playing YouTube scammer scum. It’s the same as champagne socialists not being real socialists.

Suitably the title of this piece is facetious, verging on disingenuous. My only real lament is playing a game for second time, no matter how long ago you first played it, and no matter how great it still is, is never as rewarding an experience as the first. The surprises are fewer, the highs are still high, and failure still stings, but not as acutely. Not helping is that I picked the same character profile (Knight) as my first play through. I’m already too far in to this playthrough to start again – for me that inflection point is very early on, when you get that orgasmic surge after beating that first Mimic in the cellar under the dragon sitting on Lothric Castle. And, crucially, this is something I had forgotten, “playing it safe” in Dark Souls III betrays the way it rewards you, through failure and embracing experimentation. I flunked the game’s first test, by not testing myself with a character profile with different strengths and weaknesses.

I know I’ll do another play through after this one, even if it won’t be straight away. Because when you’re involved with Dark Souls III it evokes paradoxical urges: I don’t want it to end but being psychologically normal again, and not feeling as though I’m a complete dork, would be welcome.